This is who I am

“For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” ~ Ephesians 2:8-10

Maybe you have just stumbled on to my blog and wondered what is up with this guy? Or maybe you and I are acquainted or we have reconnected through a social networking page and you think; this guy is some kind of Jesus Freak…why is he always posting this religious stuff? He must be fanatical or just wound a little too tight. I have a confession to make…you may be onto something because my faith in Jesus Christ is the most important thing in my life and it is what I hope is my magnificent obsession.

I started this blog a month and a half ago and I am not really sure what will become of it, or even if God will use it any way. It seems more than presumptuous to think that anything I write here will have a lasting impact. That is not false humility especially for those that know me well. Truth is I am very aware that I am a mess or a work in progress, and I am all too cognizant of where I came from, what I think and how I have lived my life. There have been hurt feelings and casualties along the way, so there is no halo on my head and no perfection claimed. Here in the south when we want to say something bad about a person we grant ourselves “license” by saying something disparaging and prefacing it with; “Bless their heart” or “But they love the Lord.” I am pretty sure that is the general reaction whenever my name comes up, and I am okay with that.

Recently my friend shared with me a prayer he prayed prior to the start of his class. He prayed; "Lord, thank you that your love is fixed on your children, and that we can't do anything to make you love us more, or anything to make you love us less. Thank you that in Christ we are welcomed and accepted." This prayer was startling for one of his students because he felt that God blesses us more when we have “good days” or doing “religious” things and blesses us less when we don’t. Sadly that skewed view of life in Christ is held by many believers.

You see it took me a very long time to come to the realization that there was only standard I will be measured by, and that is God’s holy standard. The only One that could keep that standard and meet the requirements was Jesus Christ and that by placing my faith in Him I was immediately and completely free from the condemnation or results of my rebellion. It took me years to come to the realization that there was nothing I could do to make God love me more and nothing I could ever do to make Him stop loving me. I perform for an audience of One.

I am into music, and lyrics that have a special meaning for me. I heard this song recently to which I can totally relate to. It starts; “I found myself looking in the mirror, knew I wasn’t who I wanted to be. I was living like the way that I wanted, but my eyes reminded me I am not free.” You see I spent most of my adult life living my life how I wanted to live it. I did what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. Sure I was a “good family man” but my motivation was moving up the Corporate ladder, padding my bank account and pursuing all of those things I wanted to buy. In the book of Ecclesiastes which is written by King Solomon he talks about everything being vanity of vanities or basically the pursuit of money, knowledge, material possessions, entertainment and pleasure is empty and meaningless. I can so relate to that. I thought that once I got married, had kids, got the house, dog and the bank account I would be happy. None of these things are bad, but they were the things I thought would bring me peace, satisfaction, contentment and fulfillment. I didn’t like the man I saw in the mirror and my eyes told me I was not free.

“Believed I saw everything I know, says I got to go, tired of going solo…but I am never gonna go there again.” When I get into a hobby or an activity I never do it half heartedly. When I was into hunting I would obsess about some new piece of equipment, a gun, a tree stand or something else that I thought I needed or thought would make happy. I would plot and scheme on how I could get it and how I could justify buying it. It wasn’t just hunting equipment but camping gear, hiking stuff and electronics. I loved the pursuit and buying things was a way to hide my depression and lack of contentment. But once I got the thing the joy was short lived and I was on to the next best thing in the hope it would bring me satisfaction. I got tired of going solo and realized that I was going no where fast.

“This is what it is, this is who I am, this is where I finally make my stand. I didn’t want to fall, but I don’t have to crawl, I met the One with two nail scarred hands.” I had made a profession of faith or accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior in November 1982. But even though I made that public declaration I still struggled with finding true peace and contentment. I had a series of crises in my life in my late 30’s that basically were watershed moments. We all have these points in our life where we are faced with the stark reality of our mortality or that everything we thought was true lets us down. My “religion” up that point was all for show and I was able to compartmentalize my life; one way on Sundays or when I was with my Christian friends and then a completely different way when I wasn’t. I came to the realization that faith in Jesus Christ required more than just a half-hearted commitment. After all He didn’t go half way for me when He bore my guilt and my shame on the Cross. He gave Himself completely and anything and everything I give back to Him in obedience, service and worship only pales in comparison. God wants the whole me; the will, the intellect and the emotion and anything less is cosmic treason. But I give it back willingly and joyfully because of the great debt I owe. It is not empty, tedious or demanding but where I find true joy, peace, contentment and fulfillment.

“Giving Him the best of everything that’s left of the life that’s inside this man…I’ve been Born Again.” Because He gave me His best and imputed or credited His righteousness to my account I want to give Him my best in return. While that is my desire and stated goal I recognize that more often than I care to admit I fall short. But I can rest in the comfort that my salvation is secured and that I am still completely loved by the One who gave His all for me. This motivates me to press on and gives me joy and peace that nothing else can.

“I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” ~ Galatians 2:20

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” ~ 2 Corinthians 5:17

This is who I am!